I am aware people may think I am ‘all about me’. And you know, on some level that is correct. Because the disorders such as C-PTSD or borderline as well they rather ‘force’ me have to think about me – ALL the time. Like a tyrant over and within myself, mastering myself…loving myself as I love the Lord w all my heart soul and strength so I can even love others at all I have to manage my symptoms, and when I don’t – rage, flashbacks (physical ones), and sadness/despair and stress can overload and that’s not good, that is not good at all. If I don’t constantly check myself – my symptoms will ultimately increase and then leads me to not being able to self soothe at all and that has led to me to a lifetime in and out of institutions in which I have been set free by the most high Christ so yes, I choose to avoid things that I can control ,..willfully. I have to have constant self awareness. This is how I manage my symptoms as well as I do. This is why I am not self destroying at this moment and been stable almost consistently for 4 years and some months- that is a miracle and not having panic attacks now or at least not as often.. and when they happen I know how to help myself !
C-PTSD requires constant self awareness, constant management, constant focus on self (and have learned when I don’t do this, things get far worse.)
Mind you, this is not something I am used to – self care, self love, focussing on me in healthy ways, is alien to me. I’m really bad at it. I’ve had to learn how to love myself enough to have positive self care. Which is all new to me. C-PTSD keeps me in the past – whether I like it or not. It is involuntary – completely.
I am in the deep stages of grieving so much loss. A massive amount of loss, that is painful and causes me much sadness and Coming to terms with the severity of my past, the damage it caused, the pain it caused, the loss it caused has been a huge process that is still continuing as I grieve, as well as my stolen childhood and all the abuse. So, am I self absorbed these days. Yes, I am. And I don’t like it, nor do I want it. All of this, I have tried to avoid for 20 years.
I have also gotten used to the fact that I have no choice but to think about my abusers, for good. To understand their situation and have a level of understanding and compassion for their sad lives and wish it could have been different for them.This takes courage and wisdom and a willingness to want to forgive. God gives is free will and I could choose to not forgive, making excuses and justifying this with so many reasons most people would understand. But, I don’t. That is how unselfish I am. How not ‘all about me’ I am. How not a ‘victim’ I am. But a survivor ! A freaking Hero !
This is how much I want God to change my heart and He is, I know it, And that is all that truly matters.
Let’s become the light 